One day in church an older lady told a story of two boys (ages 8 & 9) who had been unsupervised and did some damage to a neighbors old abandoned barn. Upon discovery of the damage the boys received their punishment which was to be spanked. It surprised me that multiple other older ladies agreed wholeheartedly that a good spanking was necessary. Did I mention these boys had been abandoned by their father and their mother had been sentenced to prison? OH, and they were being sent away from their remaining family to go live out of town in a home for boys? Thirty years ago I may have quietly agreed that a spanking was due to the boys but here I am in my mid-50s and I am completely and utterly appalled at the whole idea and even more heartbroken that a whole handful of older senior ladies failed to see the desperate need for compassion in this story and at the very least a more appropriate punishment. For example, how much better would it have been for the boys to repair the damage? With supervision, they not only would have learned a life skill of repairing broken things, but it would have given an adult an optimal opportunity to minister to and love on these boys at a time when it could have made all the difference.
I don’t have all the answers, and I’m sure at least a few of those older ladies would have found it appalling that I am a certified gun owner; but before I get started on another rabbit trail I really just wanted to spill the beans about what the bible says about physical punishment for children.
The phrase “Spare the rod, spoil the child” is often thought to be a proverb from the Bible, but it actually comes from a guy named Samuel Butler in a 1662 poem. However, it is clearly built upon Proverbs 13:24: “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”
Note that it says “discipline him”, it does not say beat him with the rod, whip him or otherwise lay hands on him.
See Proverbs 19:18, Proverbs 22:15, Proverbs 29:15, and especially Proverbs 23:13-14 (though this one is better translated as “servant” or “young man,” not child). Even this sheds a new light on physical punishment because the majority of people who resort to physical punishment do so to small children but when the child grows older they find new ways to administer punishment like grounding them or revoking privileges…but if I am understanding this example of the shepherd correctly it is MORE important to refrain from physical punishment with a young child than with a grown child.
Every time I see someone physically correct their child in public I wonder if they think that’s really the best way or if they are just repeating what they were taught? ..or if they are on their last nerve, because kids can do that to you for sure.
Here is what I have found on the subject:
THE BIBLICAL ROD
To gain a clear perspective on what the Bible teaches, we have to take a look at the word “rod” in the Hebrew, šēbeṭ (kind of pronounced like shave it). It occurs 190 times in the Old Testament, and depending on the context can mean numerous things:
- Most frequently it actually means “tribe.” This usage is wholly different from the “rod” scenario encountered in Proverbs.
- The next most numerous is a “(thin) rod” typically made of metal or wood and was a small instrument used for beating seed, and also at times as an instrument to hit (see Exodus 21:20). This rod was something many would carry around as a tool to do many things. It is a TOOL.
- The word could be used more specifically to mean a weapon of some sort, like “javelin,” “club,” or “mace.” In these instances, it was often still translated as rod.
- The word could also mean “scepter.” This was more ornamental and ceremonial. It was a sign of authority and rulership.
- The final usage is “shepherd staff” or “shepherd crook.” This is the one I think is being reference here.
Removing “tribe” from the discussion, we can break down the way the word was used based upon the contexts it was used:
- Rod — In the case of some sort of work being done Eg. Isaiah 28:27. In the particular case of Exodus 21:20, it was used to punish a slave (considered a person’s property).
- Scepter — In the case of ceremony or ruling. Eg. Genesis 49:10.
- Club/Mace — In the context of battle, war, or fighting (typically still translated as “Rod” in the Old Testament). Eg. Proverbs 22:8, Isaiah 30:31, Isaiah 11:4.
- Shepherd Staff/Crook — In the context of shepherding. Eg. Leviticus 27:32, Micah 7:14.
The question that remains, then, is under what circumstances a verse like Proverbs 13:24 is using the word “rod.” The two most viable options in my opinion is:
1) the rod used as an instrument of work, with common rods often used for beating slaves
2) the shepherd’s rod, i.e. a crook used to gently guide the sheep back to the flock.
Obviously, most parents who use spanking as discipline wouldn’t consider it “beating,”. Understanding “rod” in this manner from a context like Proverbs 13:24 would best equate to the usage of the common rod for hitting a slave. A HEBREW SLAVE, not a CHILD. However, I believe the better understanding is that of the shepherd’s rod, a tool used by the shepherd to train and protect the sheep…not to beat the sheep.
THE TRADITIONAL UNDERSTANDING
This is where I turn from what has been the common understanding in the church for a long time. This Proverb (and the later version of it by Samuel Butler) has been the base upon which we have justified the physical punishment of children (typically spanking). Once you look at what the bible actually says, I think you will agree we have all been mislead on the subject of physical punishment for children. There is a growing body of literature from theologians, psychologists and sociologists on the subject of physical correction that says that spanking and hitting are not nearly as effective in disciplining children as boundaries and logical consequences. Don’t believe me? Google it. Trust me, I get it, emotions run high and parents often resort to the fastest correction possible which is physical correction. This ends up sending the wrong message too and can end up being emotionally scarring for children.
I can hear the comments now and many who will read this will say well, I was spanked and I turned out okay. Yes, I’m sure you are fine but I also think that’s the exception not the rule.
My own change of opinion on this subject came from this type of research, from the biblical view of shepherding (see below), and from my increasing recognition that too many children are growing up feeling entitled and not actually given logical consequences. But life is largely about the consequences to our actions (good and bad). If the goal is not to raise great kids, but to raise kids to be great adults, then that means we need to prepare them for life. Unless they grow up to be in some sort of dangerous profession, being physically hit is never going to be a logical consequence that they will face in life. So why, during this time of preparing and molding them to be great adults, would anyone choose such an unrealistic consequence that isn’t even that effective?
Some of the reasons parents spank are:
1) tradition (like being taught that it is biblical),
2) it is the only way they know to discipline, or
3) it happened to them and they turned out okay.
Logical consequences is a much better teacher. Can you see where the example of the two boys above would have been a better correction if the boys had been guided to correct their folly? Finally, for those to whom spanking was the norm and they turned out okay, I don’t think that it was actually the spanking that made you okay (if you are indeed okay). It was, rather, the character of your parents and the myriad of other things they did to prepare you for life. Think long and hard — if you were to pull spanking out of your past (replacing it with some other discipline) would you be a lesser person than you are today? A loving parent can convey right from wrong without resorting to physical punishment in a wide array of creative punishments or life lessons that do not involve devaluing the child with physical punishment. Be honest, how many people have you heard in your life say that their parents beat them and how much they resented them? How many parents truly abuse their kids and think it is okay because “its in the bible?. IT IS NOT IN THE BIBLE.
PARENTS AS SHEPHERDS
So if you’re still not convinced, indulge me for a minute to consider if raising a child similar to a shepherd with his flock might be something we can all draw wisdom from. Shepherding was/is about the care, supervision, and leading of the flock from one place to another. The Bible uses numerous metaphors to describe the relationship between God and his people: parent/child, shepherd/sheep, husband/wife, master/slave. Of these metaphors, the first two are by far the most dominant. This does not change in the New Testament, as Jesus calls himself the Good Shepherd too, and the master/slave motif is largely confined to Paul, who often uses it to compare the reality of being slaves to sin and to the law. Shepherding imagery was a very natural thing for the Biblical authors to use given the society of the early Israelites. The Bible also uses this imagery to describe the religious leaders of the Israelite nation. Given the dominance of this metaphor, and given the Christian desire to be image-bearers of Christ, it would seem logical that we model our parenting upon the model of God/Jesus himself, the Good Shepherd.
How many times in the bible does it say Jesus used physical tactics to get His point across? None.
Jesus used life lessons, He drew in the sand, He cast nets, He did a lot of things but Jesus never resorted to physical punishment with a child. So what does it say to the child about Jesus when they get a spanking and then we tell them we did it because of the bible?
How do you teach a child about a loving God if the example they see doesn’t feel very loving? When Abraham struck the rock in anger to bring forth water he misrepresented God and as a result wasn’t able to go into the promised land. Are we misrepresenting God when we teach our kids that they are being physically disciplined because of God?
To reiterate, we should not spare the rod from our children. But in proper biblical context, this now looks much different than has been traditionally assumed:
- The rod was constantly in the shepherd’s hand as he walked in front of the sheep and led the way. Sheep have a wide field of vision that is better on the periphery than directly ahead (part of the reason they wander off). The shepherd stayed close. And when the sheep started to follow the other sheep around them, this usually led to trouble.
- The rod corrected the course for the sheep. Because the sheep were distracted by the things they saw in their periphery, they quite often wandered from the pack, or could very casually veer from the group. The shepherd’s rod was used to push and guide them back into the way they were supposed to go. Striking the sheep would actually be counter-intuitive, as it may slow down the animal, or make it wary of the shepherd or even incite a riot among the other sheep.
- To remove from harm or corral stubborn sheep. The nicer shepherd’s crook would have the circular hook around the top. This was used in the case of extreme danger to hook around the head and pull, or in the case of a stubborn sheep, to get them where they needed to go. This was the more extreme kind of course correction.
- As a weapon against predators. The rod did indeed become a weapon, but it was not to hit the sheep, but rather to hit the wolves and mountain lions that threatened the sheep.
- As an extension of the hand. The reason rod’s were carried so often was as a general instrument and extension of the hand. In the case of the shepherd, it was sometimes used to lift and carry a sheep, or to push back the wool to examine the skin for injury.
I’m hoping that by now you see how wonderfully this imagery that the Bible uses can apply to parents and can provide us with a biblical model:
- We lead our children by teaching and modeling the behaviors and values we expect. If you want to see or change an attitude, action, or behavior in your child, change it in yourself. Explain the expectations you have of them, telling them why. And, like the sheep in the front of the pack who gets to the feeding trough first, catch your kids doing right and affirm it. Furthermore, the parents as the primary care-givers need to also be the primary influencers. We have made the mistake that thinking kids need more time with friends, to the point that we think teens “need their space.” But it is adults, those who have become wise with age and experience, who should be the primary influencers through the entire journey to adulthood.
- We correct the course. Stay firm with kids and stick to boundaries set. The phenomena of parents giving empty threats, not following through, and not actually meaning what they say seems to be an epidemic. Children have learned to get just what they want via whining, tantrums, crying, or just ignoring. Parents are supposed to be the ones in charge. But real life is filled with consequences, both good and bad. The children of today will have bosses and teachers who will all keep their word so as their guardians a parent needs to be just as valiant in their pursuit of raising obedient kids. Instead of physical correction, we discipline by giving natural consequences — just like life.
- We keep a watchful eye. Parents watch and encourage and teach their children how not to stray. The shepherd couldn’t form a permanent moving fence around the sheep as they walked in order to always keep them safe, but neither did they leave them alone for long, especially in places of potential danger. Parents shouldn’t shield their children from everything, that doesn’t prepare them for life. But there are places and situations that need your direct intervention and clear boundaries, otherwise children will be going in the wrong direction, perhaps following along behind the other strays. The most practical example today, I think, is the amount of online and screen time kids have today. Kids are losing their imagination and their ability to interact with live people because of over-consumption…and we are letting it happen.
- We protect. Every situation is different, but it is universal that children need protection from something. Sometimes it is protection from a bully. Sometimes it is protection from bad friends. Sometimes it is protection from their own poor choices. Sometimes it is protection from garbage on the internet. Whatever it is, as a guardian to the child God entrusted to our lives, we have to be always ready to protect them.
- We make parenting an everything and everyday process. Jesus’ 12 disciples learned what He taught and eventually learned to be like Him by hanging out with Him for 3 years. They ate with Him, ministered with Him, traveled with Him. To discipline a child is to mold a disciple. Your children are to be your disciples, learning from your everyday walk how to live, how to act, how to treat others, how to treat themselves.
Unfortunately, what it means to spare the rod has been (in my opinion) misunderstood, and I hope this summary has helped understand the biblical directive of disciplining children. A (very) paraphrased translation of Proverbs 13:24 would be “to withhold your leadership and any consequences would be spoiling your child.” It was not about physical punishment. The use of the shepherd’s rod actually represented much MORE responsibility of the rod-bearer. To guide and protect the child, to keep them from dangers before they require punishment and to represent God in a loving and fair way.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I hear “Love One Another” I just can’t see how it could possibly translate into anything that justifies spanking a child.