Twins: June 15, 1995
It is often hard to understand why some things happen and so with this in mind I thought I would share with you my own story of what happened to my twins because sometimes it is hard to see what God has in mind but make no mistake, God is always with us.
In 1995, while I was still happily married, I became pregnant with twins. We were very excited, as we had been praying about whether or not children were part of God’s plan for our lives for a long time. While I had never felt the tug of parenthood, my husband, at the time could think of nothing else and after several years together I began to want it too. So, when the day came that we found out I was pregnant we were thrilled. We happily prepared for their arrival buying furniture and clothes and every little thing. We set ourselves up for perfect case scenario. Preparing for our babies consumed our free time and turned our world upside down. On the day we found out we were expecting we went to Wal-Mart at 3am to buy a book of baby names so we could begin to narrow down our top 10. We even woke up in the middle of the night several times a week just to talk how excited we were. Just a month after finding out about being pregnant we bought a new car because we wanted something safer to drive. Our whole lives became about the impending arrival of our much-anticipated children.
Then, suddenly, without warning, our hopes turned to fears and after a grievous week of pain and then labor we lost our twin babies in the fourth month. We were devastated to say the least. It had only been 4 months (Technically about 14 weeks) and already we were both very caught up in the excitement of these new lives that we anticipated having in our world. The blow of finding out that they would never live to breathe the breath of a fully formed infant shook us both to the core. After coming home from the doctor my husband announced that he needed to take a drive and after a few hours I began to worry about him. I happened to look out the window and there he was sitting on the curb alongside our driveway looking to the heavens and tears were streaming down his face. I went out to comfort him. We must have sat there for an eternity, numb and without words.
In the days that followed I kept reliving the moment of holding my two tiny lifeless babies in my hands. My husband was at work and missed this devastating moment in their short-lived time on earth. They were tiny, fully formed (for all practical purposes) infants laying still as if merely sleeping in my hands. Little fingers, little legs and totally lifeless. I remember wishing I could hug them and hoping they could feel my love for them. The image of it still haunts me sometimes when I don’t expect it. Every part of my being reverted back to my teen years when I had no desire to live, and I prayed daily that God would help me find peace with what had happened. Granted, this kind of tragedy may not affect everyone in the exact same way but for me the loss was devastating and unbearable at the time. Even now, on their birthday and at Christmas or some milestone of someone in my life will give me pause to imagine who they might have been and who they are now. It is comforting and sad at the same time.
One night after an especially heart-wrenching prayer I fell asleep and dreamed of my babies playing and giggling while chasing butterflies through a field of wild flowers while my (then deceased) Grandmother watched from a peaceful place on a blanket under an impressive oak tree. In the horizon I could see that this was not a place you would find on earth. It was my idea of what heaven must be like with sprawling fields of wildflowers drifting softly on silky, cloud pillows and the Glory of God illuminating the heavens like a warm Spring morning. In the distance angel choirs filled the air with soft peaceful music that seemed to caress my thoughts even in my dream.
When I woke up the next morning, I began to process what had happened and the dream and what I believed God was trying to convey to me through my dream. God gave me peace and comfort through this whole ordeal. God gave me a desire to pick myself up, brush myself off and move on. You might think this is what anyone would do because what choice is there? I had a history of giving up and allowing the pressure of life to overwhelm me, but even in this God was continuing to use the hardships of life to strengthen me, to grow me and to teach me about peace and grace.
When I woke up, I told my husband about the dream, and we talked about what it meant, and he left for work. Then an hour later my mother came over for her daily visit to check on me (she worried about me a lot then) and said that it was time to quit being sad and realize that God has a purpose for everything, and I told her about my dream. I told her I realized that God was telling me, in a way I wouldn’t have understood before that heaven is a wonderful place. Heaven is a far better than a place I could provide for my babies, and God had taken my babies and given them a perfect life. God had spared my babies the trials of this earthly world and allowed them to skip ahead to the good part. Ironically, I spent years wishing I could skip ahead to the good part and God managed to give me that wish but in a whole other kind of way. It came with much heartache and perspective.
I thought of a million things in my life that my babies would never have to face, and I found peace with these thoughts. This thing that I considered a loss was God’s plan all along and it was in fact not a loss at all. It took me a long time to fully understand this.
Sitting there at my kitchen table with my Mom I realized that this was a blessing in disguise and although it took some getting used to, I was able to find a way to be happy for my babies and their new perfect and amazing home in heaven. That alone should have been enough for anyone, but God went the extra mile to give me peace and confirm what he had told me in my dream.
Mom decided it was a good time to air out the house and spend the day cleaning. (Shes a bit OCD that way) She got up, went to the living room, and raised the window and the curtains blew open wistfully in the unusual cool June breeze. In flew two of the most amazingly beautiful blue butterflies you have ever seen. I immediately thought of my babies’ catching butterflies in the field of wildflowers from my dream. They came in through the open window, circled around me as I stood in the living room and then flew out the front door and between the two magnolia trees and then up, up, up until I couldn’t see them anymore. Some people might argue that this was coincidental. I know in my heart this was God’s way of telling me that my twins came into my life to encircle me briefly but ultimately, they were destined for life in heaven.
It was as if God himself wrapped his arms around me and held me in the comfort of his love and whispered, I love you, I am your comfort and I will always protect you. From that day forward I never regretted what happened to my babies. I miss them and I miss the idea of them and I miss never having had kids of my own; but I am happy for them that the only life they will ever know is the one they live in heaven.
My babies have a perfect life in heaven. My babies will never have to know what it means to hurt or be afraid. My babies will never have to ask, “Is heaven real?” because my babies will be living daily in the arms of Jesus and walking among the angels on streets of gold. On judgement day, they will not have to account for the wrong of their lives. My babies have a perfect life, and it soothes my soul to think that a part of me is filling a part of heaven with the laughter of a child. If I have failed in life, this is the one event that I can say I managed not to mess up.
I hope and pray that if you are reading this because you have lost your own baby to miscarriage or some other calamity of life, you will be able to find peace with their passing and know that our babies are not gone, they are simply living their best life in heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid. John 14:27
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Note: While I never did have other children of my own. I count it all joy that I have been blessed with 2 step children and 4 grandkids to fill my life with joy unspeakable. God is good..all the time.