Many years ago, I worked at Jacobs Engineering in the Human Resources department. We used to get hundreds of resumes a day on the fax machine or in the mail.
One day, we received this gem. It was presented with the applicants contact info as any good resume should. It was accompanied by a very sincere cover letter letting us know that we could expect them to arrive for his new position the following Monday because, naturally, the applicant would not be entertaining rejections of any kind.
I have laughed at the thing for so many years I thought it deserved to be immortalized on the internet. Without further adieu, I present to you the “revised to fit me” version of the classic perfect resume.
THE RESUME:
I am a dynamic figure often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch break, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas, and manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for 3 days in a row, for fun. I woo men with my sensuous and fantastical trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe climbs with unflagging speed. I cook 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco application, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play concert bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Army for expeditions in the Artic. I am the subject of numerous documentaries in my mind. When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy Urban hand gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair vintage appliances free of charge for the homeless.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Designers across the globe swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I do not perspire, I glisten. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I’ve been caller number 9 and I have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bet 400. My origami floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl old tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room set that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I vacation in the African rain forest just for the company of frogs. I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge and I frolic. My bills are all paid. On weekends to let off steam, I participate in full-contact square dancing. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but I forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary 4 course meals using only a moulie and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning roly poly’s. I have won fights in San Juan’s most terrifying bakeries and cliff diving competitions in Alvin, TX as well as spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet ending in the applause of thousands of pygmy poodle breeds. I have performed open heart surgery on my own heart with surprising success and I have spoken with Elvis via tin can telephone.
Basically, I would make an excellent member of your team.