I am a dynamic figure often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch break, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas, and manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for 3 days in a row, for fun. I woo men with my sensuous and fantastical trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe climbs with unflagging speed. I cook 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco application, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play concert bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Army for expeditions in the Artic. I am the subject of numerous documentaries in my mind. When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy Urban hand gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair vintage appliances free of charge for the homeless.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Designers across the globe swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I do not perspire, I glisten. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail from my mother. I’ve been caller number 9 and I have won the weekend passes and the Texas Lottery. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. My origami floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl old tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and Gone With The Wind in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room set that evening. I know the exact location of every desert food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the government. I vacation in the African rain forest just for the company of frogs. I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small taco stand. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge and I frolic with excellence. My bills are all paid. On weekends to let off steam, I participate in full-contact square dancing. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but I forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary 4 course meals using only a moulie and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning roly poly’s. I have won food fights in San Juan’s most terrifying bakeries and cliff diving competitions in Alvin, TX as well as spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet ending in the applause of thousands of pygmy poodle breeds. I have performed open heart surgery on my own heart with surprising success and I have spoken with Elvis via tin can telephone.
I am a survivor of my own faults and I love with my whole heart.